The Albion Urban Dictionary

You know the urban dictionary right? I’ve often thought there should be an Albion version. Here it is only it’s not in alphabetical order because I can’t be arsed.

Hitting The Roof: Refusing to continue with something perfectly reasonable despite evidence to the contrary. E.g. “I can’t drink the other half of that Vinho Verde – I think it’s hit the roof.”

Buying a Harley: Going to the supermarket and coming back with something utterly inadequate for the price. E.g. “darling look at these sausages. Brand new and only £8.99 a pack”. “They’re only 35% meat. I suspect you’ve bought a Harley”. Not to be confused with “buying a Harley Davidson” which is the act of buying something you are 20 years too old for during a mid life crisis.

Premature CryPaculation: Getting very drunk and celebrating a victory without realising your rivals’ opportunity for revenge is just around the corner

Grabbing an Oscar: Spending all night in a nightclub with a girl who is high maintenance and arrogant but rather attractive before binning her for a better looking but far more circumspect girl at 1.55 am. Risky but highly rewarding. Not to be confused with the LA version which basically means “stealing a film award”

Evacuating the Away End: Taking a shit where you shouldn’t.

Entering Dick’s: Queuing up for half an hour for a badly poured pint in a strip lit pub named after a legend. Not to be confused with the Kemp Town version which doesn’t use the apostrophe.

Caspering: Smoking a cigarette nervously before deputising for someone much better than you.

Making an NSC of it: When your wife comes back from the supermarket with white bread and you spend 54 minutes hectoring her about the better quality of wholemeal before retracting, contradicting yourself and cutting up your Nectar card.

Barbering: The act of being in a pub and making your mate get the round that includes the pork scratchings and shots. When confronted tell them it’s their fault because of the time they decided to get the round in.

Flavour Roulette: Giving your pie flavour choice up to fate by joining the queue manned by the kid with more zits than IQ points.

Concourse Dogging: Removing a barely cooked sausage from a rock hard bun in the vain hope of salvaging something exciting from a thoroughly unpleasant experience.

Blue and White glasses: A medical condition. The main symptoms being that you always think it’s our penalty, you’re convinced Palace robbed us in the playoffs and you persist with the belief that Craig Mackail-Smith has a good first touch.

To Upson (aka reading the game): Being talked down from being a dick after a few pints before you realise you’ve even done it. i.e. “I’m going to smack that geezer if he keeps looking at me” “Leave it – he’s a six foot five steroid addict” “Well Upsoned”

Brezzing: The art of doing cartwheels past the boss in a vain attempt to highlight the fact that the other guy who could replace the employee who is far better then either of you is currently out on a fag break.

Bruno: A male who is renowned for delivering unbelievably gymnastic and thrilling sexual performances in the first two dates before rapidly adopting the pipe and slippers. Again not to be confused with the US version which means an arrogant midget with addiction issues who can somehow pastiche any popular musical style of the last 30 years except any good ones.

Sending a Kazenga: Writing a text message when you are drunk that is so inexplicable that no one in the universe other than you knows what you meant.

Culinary Reality Removal: What you’ve had if you complain about the quality of food in a football ground. Given I defined Flavour Roulette and Concourse Dogging I’ve probably had one.

OGH (Oh Gary Hart): Brighton alternative to OMG. E.g. “OGH those slingbacks are totes amazeballs”