Scene – A schoolroom
Teacher: Right class. Today’s special subject is how to finish sixth in The Championship. Does anyone know how to do this? Let’s see….READING. You boy! Stop staring at the desk. And don’t think I didn’t see you passing that note to Leeds. What’s the answer?
Reading: Erm. Well…..um….er….
*Teacher whacks desk with ruler*
Teacher: Dear me. We’ve covered this at length. Anyone would think that ex-physio you’ve got as a private tutor doesn’t know the difference between a winger and a central midfielder. I think I’d better see you in detention.
*Reading looks sulky*
Teacher: Right! Who else? IPSWICH! This is practically your specialist subject. Well that and crappy meaningless banners. How should one finish sixth in The Championship?
Teacher: OH COME ON LAD! YOU SHOULD KNOW THIS! IF ONLY YOU DIDN’T SPEND ALL DAY EYEING UP BURNLEY!
Ipswich: Well, is it being hard to beat?
Teacher: No of course not you ignoramus! That just ensures a lot of draws. Now how many points to you get for a win…….YEOVIL?
Teacher: Sorry, wrong subject for you. I forgot I told you to study the quickest route to Milton Keynes. LEEDS?
Leeds: Three miss.
Teacher: GOOD BOY LEEDS! There’s hope for you yet although I have to say I’m not sure I like the look of your new Italian step father. THREE POINTS Ipswich. Three is the answer. Being hard to beat may only get you one. Now who else should I ask? Barnsley! Who should I ask?
Barnsley: Well Forest has just come back from the toilet looking completely refreshed. Maybe ask him?
Teacher: Good idea. FOREST? What do you think?
Forest: I only got to the bit in the text book where it said to sack the violent rat faced Scottish midget. Is that it?
Teacher: Well it can’t hurt and it cheered all of us up. But the jury remains out on that particular theory. There’s more to it and……..FOR GOD’S SAKE MIDDLESBORO PUT THAT COMIC DOWN. No wonder you’re always getting a C. Now who knows – APART from sacking violent midgets – what the answer is. STOP LOOKING SO SMUG DERBY. I know, shall I ask Birmingham?
*class falls about laughing*
Teacher: OK not Birmingham. QPR?
*Blackburn puts his hand up*
Teacher: Yes Blackburn?
Blackburn: QPR isn’t here Miss. They joined that private school up the road remember? The dog paid the money.
Teacher: Ah yes. Ok. Not QPR. Nor Leicester seeing as they’re still recovering from celebrating their straight As. I know…..BRIGHTON. You’ve been under my radar all season lad. What’s the answer?
Brighton: Draw at Huddersfield Miss?
Teacher: Very good. And….
Brighton: Start very slowly in the subsequent game….
Teacher: Not really.
Brighton: Er, shoot wastefully?
Brighton: Put every corner to the back post or straight out of play?
Brighton: Score a cracker straight after half time against a team known to capitulate?
Teacher: That’s better…..
Brighton: Then switch off and let your ex hopeless chuffer equalize?
Teacher: Ridiculous! TAKE FIFTY LINES!
Brighton: Please Miss, no! I’ve got another idea!
Teacher: What is it?
Brighton: Take off your wingers when both full backs are in the book?
Teacher: NO LAD!
Brighton: Bring on an incredibly unlucky sub?
Brighton: Grind out a draw and hope Reading do you a favour? Again?
Teacher: Actually that might just work.
*The class call Brighton teacher’s pet and pelt him with Marmite before stealing Reading’s lunch*