As Gus Poyet’s Sacking Is Confirmed “Head Coach” Oscar Garcia Junyet is finally allowed to hold a press conference*. However it turned out that his English was not as good as reported and since the team are training in Spain much of the conference was held through an interpreter. For the benefit of you, my lovely reader, I have transcribed the whole thing in to English. Questions and answers in italics were originally spoken in Spanish.
Spanish Journalist: How does it feel to be teaching proper football to these English Neanderthals?
Interpreter: The journalist wants to know what Oscar’s footballing philosophy is
Oscar: I was pleasantly surprised with the level of passing and ball control. Mr Poyet has introduced the basics nicely and already they are at Barca Under 10s level. I have told my wife we may only be stuck here for a couple of years.
Interpreter: Oscar says he’s amazed at the quality here already and he intends to improve on it for the full length of his contract.
Spanish Journalist: Stuck there? You do not like Brighton?
Oscar: Well nobody is targeting Brighton with SCUD missiles and the weather is nice at the moment but Adam El-Abd took me to see his friends in Whitehawk before we played them. It’s not exactly Las Ramblas. He did get his contract extension though.
Spanish Journalist: What about the rest of England?
Oscar: In Tel Aviv they tried to make me stay by showing me a DVD called ‘Burnley in December’ but I just assumed it was a joke.
Interpreter: Oscar was asked how he was settling in to which he replied he was settling in fine and enjoying learning about English culture.
Spanish Journalist: So why take the job?
Oscar: They offered me first. You try going a whole year without bacon.
Interpreter: Oscar also says he is looking forward to trying English food.
Spanish Journalist: What surprised you the most when you arrived?
Oscar: That they paid Ryan Harley.
Interpreter: Oscar also says he was amazed at the quality of Brighton’s squad players.
English Journalist: Could you ask Mr Garcia if he is the boss now that Gus Poyet has lost his appeal?
Spanish Interpreter: Are you the boss now that Gus Poyet has lost his appeal?
Oscar: Appeal? What is this shit? Tony told me he had gone crazy in the head and joined Dagenham and Redbridge as Youth Team Coach. He said ‘no press conferences before we go to Spain as we want to make your first one special’.
Spanish journalist: No, he was sacked for gross misconduct.
Oscar: Did he get compensation?
Spanish journalist: No, I don’t think so
(Oscar looks worried)
Interpreter: Oscar feels he is the boss though he was surprised at the way Mr Poyet left the club.
English Journalist: I think we all were…………
Spanish Journalist: Do you intend to bring a lot of talent from Spain to play for you in Brighton?
Oscar: Yes I hope to start right away so they can complement, er, Matt Upson and, er, Adam Chicksen.
Interpreter: Oscar says he was pleased to surprise everyone in Spain with his first couple of signings.
English Journalist: Could you ask Oscar if there have been any other changes at the club?
Interpreter: Have there been any other changes at the club?
Oscar: Yes. All the traps now have combination padlocks on them and if you need to drop the kids off at the pool you have to get a special code from Mr Barber. Also we have made a tidy profit selling off the top quality Uruguayan Merlot we used to serve to the Gingerman restaurant group and I have replaced it with the crappy third pressing Rioja my uncles make. It’s not like Tony Mowbray is going to notice the difference.
Interpreter: He says they have tightened up security and found Oscar a bit of extra budget.
English Journalist: And are the squad enjoying Spain?
Interpreter: Are the squad enjoying Spain?
Oscar (in broken English): Si. Just look out of window.
(Everyone turns round to see Calderon, Bruno, Orlandi and Ulloa sitting quietly round a table enjoying a bowl of olives and some mineral water. Then in the far background everyone notices El-Abd and Greer taking turns to ride Ryan Harley round a field like a Blackpool Beach donkey.)
The press conference comes to s hurried end.
*all events are, of course, totally made up.